Broken Bedtime Stories
by Kalilei
Summary: Some parodies of classic stories. Includes: Robin Hood, The Three Musketeers, Beauty and the Beast, The Three Little Pigs, and Goldylocks and the Three Bears.
1. Robin Hood

Slayers: Robin Hood  
  
Part 1: Casting  
  
The entire Slayers gang is in Kalis' small apartment. Considering the amount of people, Kalis is frantically trying to get everyone's attention. She decides to flick the lights on and off like in elementary school.  
  
Kalis: Okay everyone, gather around. It's time to begin (pause for dramatic effect) Slayers: Robin Hood!  
  
Minna: (unethusiastically) Yeah.  
  
Kalis: I knew you were excited. Now here's the casting list.  
  
Robin Hood - Zelgadis Greywords Maiden Mirium - Lina Inverse Little John - Gourry Gabriev Mirium's Handmaiden - Philia Ul Copt Prince John - Zelas Metallium Sherriff of Nottingham - Xellos Metallium King Richard - Lei Magnus Shabranigdo Merry Men - Any extras laying around  
  
Minna (sans Xellos and Zelas): Shabranigdo!!!!  
  
Philia: The demon lord. He can't play King Richard. Richard was supposed to be a good man .. and - and the Demon Lord.  
  
Kalis: It's my play and what I say goes. So there. :P  
  
Amelia: What?! I'm not even in the play. Why can't I be Mirium? I am a princess and she is almost a princess and I ...  
  
Kalis: (interupting Amelia) I don't like you and I do like Zelgadis; so I thought I'd be nice and not put him through that torture. Besides, I have an incy bit of a Zel/Lina bias.  
  
Zelgadis: If you like me so much, then how about leaving me out of this play.  
  
Zelas: What are you doing casting me as Prince John. He's a man. I thought we were friends.  
  
Kalis: We are friends ... uh .. how about changing it to Princess Jane. You don't have to do much work. Just boss around Xellos.  
  
Xellos: Are you going to be in the play, Kali-chan. When do we get to have our big lemon scene?  
  
Kalis: I am the narrator/director/ect. As to your second question ... maybe afterwards.  
  
Philia: I can't believe you are associating with that horrible, namagomi, baka ... (sees Kalis' smiling face) okay, I guess I can believe it. You are just as bad as he is.  
  
Kalis: Okay Minna-san. No more whining. All casting positions are final. Oh and Zelas? try to control your drooling, Lei is playing you brother. Anyone not in my play can go home if they wish.  
  
***************************************** Part 2: Let's Begin!  
  
Scene One: The backround is Mirium's room in the castle.  
  
Kalis: Mirium and her handmaiden are ... Hold it! Cut! Cut! Amelia! Where's Lina, and what are you doing in her dress?!  
  
Amelia: I don't know where Lina is. Besides, I think that I look much better in this dress.  
  
Gourry: (from backstage) Oi, Kalis, I found Lina. (to Lina) Why did you tie yourself to your chair. Your supposed to be on stage now.  
  
Lina: I didn't tie myself to the chair, Kurage! She (points to Amelia) caught me from behind, tied me down, gagged me, and stole my dress.  
  
Xellos: Can we hurry this up people.  
  
Zelas: What's wrong Xellos? I thought that you liked doing these kind of plays.  
  
Xellos: I do. It's just that the sooner we get this over with, the sooner I get my make-out session with Kali-chan.  
  
Kalis: (blushing BRIGHT red) Um .. ahem ... Okay! Amelia, give Lina back her dress. You are not going to be in my production. Everyone else, to your places. We will skip the first scene, nothing important happens there anyway.  
  
Scene Two: The middle of the forest.  
  
Kalis: In the dense vegetation of Gourry's head - I mean Sherwood Forest we find a small clearing. There we see Robin Hood, Little John, and a few faceless, nameless, Merry Men, who aren't worth mentioning, and are only going to be backround ...  
  
Rezo: Just because I am blind, doesn't mean I don't have a face.  
  
Kalis: Shut up Rezo. Anyways, the group is talking about how they had a great day of robbing the rich and giving to the poor, yadda yadda yadda. Little John then notices that Robin Hood was sitting over to the side and staring into space.  
  
Gourry: Hey Zel, what're doing over there (Kalis: psst. Gourry, he's Robin Hood. You are Little John. Remember!!) Oh yeah. Robin, what's on your mind.  
  
Zelgadis: I was just thinking about how uncomfortable these tights are and that I don't want to be here.  
  
Kalis: (calmly walks over to Zel and .. smacks him in the head with her script.) Stick to the script, stone boy.  
  
Zelgadis: I was just dreaming of my lost love. My lost love? (recieves a warning glare from Kalis) But alas, it can never be, for I am an outlaw. (mutters to himself) What cheesy dialog.  
  
Kalis: (sing-songy) I heard that Zel-kun.  
  
Amelia: You should enter the archery contest, Robin Hood. Your the best there is, and think of all the justice we could do with the prize money.  
  
Kalis: Amelia, how'd you get back on my set. Security!  
  
Amelia: I am a Merry WoMan. It is unjust to discriminate based on race and/or gender. Therefore, I have come to right this wrong.  
  
Kalis: I wasn't discriminating towards women. I was discriminating towards you. Oh well, I give up. Get back to the story.  
  
Valgarv: I heard that the winner will get to marry Maiden Mirium. However, you will need a disguise so you don't get caught.  
  
Amelia: Oh, I can take care of that.  
  
Scene Three: The throne room.  
  
Kalis: Prince John and  
  
Zelas: Excuse me?  
  
Kalis: Sorry, forgot. Princess Jane and the Sherriff of Nottingham were in the throne room discussing the upcoming tornament.  
  
Xellos: You mean if I win the archery tournament, then I get to marry Mirium.  
  
Zelas: Yes, and you know what to do if you see Robin Hood.  
  
Xellos and Zelas: (do the whole evil laugh thing)  
  
Scene Four: The Archery Tournament  
  
Kalis: As the rest of the Merry Men stayed behind in the forest, Robin Hood and Little John decided to enter the tournament in disguise. (sees Zel and Gourry dressed as Gadis and Miss Lala from Slayers Next) What are you guys doing dressed like that!  
  
Zelgadis: Amelia decided that these were the best disguises and she wouldn't take no for an answer.  
  
Kalis: I guess that those are going to have to do. We don't have time to scrape off the makeup. As the tournament began, everyone was surprised to see the two women competing .. even the Sherriff of Nottingham.  
  
Xellos: (thinking out loud) I wonder were Robin Hood is. Ooh that chimera over there is awfully sexy. Wait! Chimera? That must be Robin Hood.  
  
Kalis: Little John had forgotten his bow and arrows, so he threw his sword at the target. It was a perfect bulls-eye, but swords were illegal and he was disqualified. After the first round there were only two opponents left. Robin Hood (Gadis) and the Sherriff of Nottingham. The second round required magic arrows.  
  
Xellos: Freeze Arrow! Perfect Bulls-eye.  
  
Zelgadis: Flare Arrow!  
  
Kalis: Robin Hood's Flare Arrow melted the Sherriff's arrow, and Robin Hood won the tournament. However since everyone believed he was a girl, he did not get to marry Mirium. Instead, she had to marry the second runner up.  
  
Philia: There is no way that I'll allow Maiden Mirium to marry that baka- yarou, namagomi Sherriff ...  
  
Kalis: As the handmaiden continued her rant, Princess Jane and the Sherriff of Nottingham proceeded in their plan to capture Robin Hood. As soon as Robin tried to collect the prize money, the Sherriff ripped off his dress and exposed the true Robin Hood underneath. And before any of you fangirls get too excited, he still has on a tank-top and shorts.  
  
Zelas: Robin Hood, for crimes against the crown, I sentence you to death by the guillotine.  
  
Xellos: Guillotine?  
  
Kalis: I like the Guillotine. Robin Hood was tied up and drug away by the guards.  
  
Scene Five: The Execution  
  
Kalis: There is a large crowd gathered to watch the execution. Mirium is off to the side weeping over the loss of her love .. and the fact that she has to marry the Sherriff afterwards. Robin Hood is brought out and placed into the guillotine.  
  
Lina: Please, please Princess Jane, don't kill Robin Hood.  
  
Zelas: (thoughtful) Well, he has been nothing but a nuissance, so ... off with his head! (to herself) This really is corny dialog.  
  
Kalis: I heard that one too. Anyways, the executioner released the blade. However Robin Hood did not die. Being part golem, the blade shattered on impact. The Merry Men jumped out of the crowd, released Robin, and captured the Princess and the Sherriff.  
  
Lina: Robin Hood, will you marry me.  
  
Zelgadis: Of course I will, my love.  
  
Lina: I just have one condition. I will wear the dress at the wedding. Although you look very pretty in a dress, noone shows me up. Well, I am in a dress now ...  
  
Kalis: Robin Hood remembers that Rezo is a priest and pulls him out of the Merry Men. Alright Rezo hurry it up and marry them. Fast foward to the good part.  
  
Rezo: If anyone disagrees with these two being married, speak now or forever hold your peace ...  
  
Lei: Wait stop! I have been off fighting in the Second Kouma War and nobody's doing anything until you let my General and her Priest go.  
  
Kalis: King Richard you are supposed to demand a kiss from the bride.  
  
Lei: Ooh .. (looks over to Lina) .. ok-ay.  
  
Lina and Zelas: WHAT!  
  
Kalis: King Richard walked over to Mirium and proceeded to kiss her. (sees Lina chanting) Lina don't you dare dragu slave him! It wouldn't work anyway. Disaster narrowly avoided, the Princess and Sherriff were released and Rezo continued the wedding.  
  
Rezo: I now pronounce you two man and wife.  
  
Minna: Yeah! Long live Robin and Mirium!  
  
Kalis: And the two lived happily ever after hunting bandits and looking for Robin's chimera cure.  
  
********************************************** Part 3: The End  
  
Amelia: Um .. Kalis, they aren't really married are they?  
  
Kalis: Well, Amelia, Rezo is a real priest, and he did pronounce them man and wife. I'd say they are legally married.  
  
Zel, Lina and Amelia: WHAT!  
  
Amelia: It was just a play. None of this was for real.  
  
Lina: Oh well, I guess it's not so bad.  
  
Zelgadis: I can live with it.  
  
Zelgadis and Lina linked arms and went off to find a quiet place to .. um .. consummate their marraige. Zelas walks up to Kalis.  
  
Zelas: Where's Lei?  
  
Kalis: Oh, I only had permission to resurect him for the play. Now that it's over, he's dead again.  
  
Zelas: Why didn't you tell me that? I didn't even get to say goodbye.  
  
Kalis: (sympathetically) I know, but I wanted everybody to concentrate on my production.  
  
Philia: You seemed to be in a hurry to finish the play Kalis. Why is that?  
  
Kalis: Well, the sooner it ended, the sooner I could get to better things. (looks over as Xellos and smiles)  
  
Philia: (remebering what Kalis just meant) You can't be serious. He's a mazoku! (again looks at Kalis' and Xellos' identical smiles) I forgot, you two are exactly alike.  
  
Kalis: Damn straight. Now everyone go home. Show's over, nothing left to see here.  
  
Xellos and Kalis look into eachother's eyes and are about to kiss, when ...  
  
Kalis: What are you doing still reading this. I said the show was over. Go on. Ja ne. 


	2. The Three Musketeers

Part 1: Casting  
  
Again, everybody is crowded into Kalis' small apartment. This time she goes for a more direct approach to getting everyone's attention.  
  
Kalis: (with a megaphone) Everyone! Shut up!  
  
Kalis, Kieran, and Xellos then remove their all-purpose earplugs. [All- Purpose Earplugs: Not just for annoying princesses anymore] They now have all's attention, however the entire group has gone temporarily deaf.  
  
Kieran: Maybe that was too loud Kalis.  
  
Xellos: Yeah, Kali-chan, you are a sadist, aren't you?  
  
Kalis: Well .. maybe a little. ^_^ Looks like they are all getting their hearing back. (to the group) Alright minna-san, guess what ... we are going to do another play!  
  
Minna: NO!!!  
  
Kalis: Yes. We shall be preforming The Three Musketeers. And here's the casting list.  
  
Athos - Zelgadis Greywords Porthos - Lina Inverse Aramis - Gourry Gabriev D'artagnan - Xellos Metallium Cardinal Richelieu - Lei Magnus Milady - Amelia Wil Tesla Sailoon The King - Zelas Metallium  
  
Lina & Zelas: We're guys!  
  
Zelas: This is the second time you have done this to me. Friends are supposed to be nicer to eachother.  
  
Kalis: Like I said last time, we are friends. There just aren't all that many female parts; and besides, I didn't want another speech about gender discrimination from Amelia. All casting positions are final; I am not changing names again. You will all be happy to know that I am not going to narrate this story.  
  
Minna: Yeah!!  
  
Kalis: I'm still the director though. Kieran here will be my narrator.  
  
Kieran: You can count on me. I'll keep the story true to the script all the way through.  
  
Lei: (sarcastically) Good luck. (to Kalis) Why do you keep resurrecting me for these stupid shows of yours? Do the words "Rest In Peace" mean nothing to to you?  
  
Zelas: Oh, but Lei-sama, this time I will not let our time together go to waste.  
  
Amelia: I'm not an evil person. Why are you making me play that evil character?  
  
Kalis: At least I'm giving you a part. Maybe this way you won't keep barging in everywhere.  
  
Amelia: At least this time I get to end up with Zelgadis.  
  
Lina: Hold on! He's still my husband.  
  
Kalis: I wouldn't count on that Amelia. Well Kieran, you ready? Let's get this show on the road. Places! Action!  
  
*********************************************************** Part 2: Let's begin.  
  
Scene One: The countryside  
  
Kieran: Our story begins in the lovely fields of central Europe. It is a calm, peaceful, perfect afternoon ... when a horse comes racing by.  
  
Xellos: I've got to get to France. I'm going to become a Musketeer like my dad.  
  
Kalis: Ooh Xellos, you look so hot in that costume.  
  
Kieran: Do you mind? I'm trying to tell a story here. Why are we starting here anyway? Are we just going to watch D'artagnan ride all the way to France?  
  
Kalis: (dream-like) I could. sigh  
  
Kieran: Forget it. Either we move on to the next scene or I quit.  
  
Kalis: Fine, fine, have it your way. Places for scene two! (mutters to self) Your supposed to be on my side.  
  
Scene Two: The marketplace  
  
Kalis: Okay Kieran, we have fast-fowarded to after D'artagnan has already gotten to France. Happy. Action!  
  
Kieran: Upon reaching France, D'artagnan finds out that the Musketeers have been disbanded. All bummed over the news, he decides to do some shopping to cheer himself up ... wait a minute, who wrote that. Kalis?  
  
Kalis: Don't look at me. I didn't write that .. Xellos?  
  
Xellos: (doing the whole suspicious whistling thing) Who, me?  
  
Kalis: Yes you Xellos. Why, it makes you sound gay.  
  
Xellos: Oh, but look at what I bought for you. (holds up some very revealing lingerie)  
  
Kalis: (blushing as red as Lina's hair) Ok-ay ... well Kieran, hurry this up.  
  
Kieran: D'artagnan met up with Athos, Porthos, and Aramis and they uncover the plot by the Cardinal to over-throw the king of France and ...  
  
Kalis: Slow down. We haven't even shown the scene with the Cardinal and Milady.  
  
Kieran: Speed up, slow down. Make up your mind.  
  
Scene Three: The Cardinal's room  
  
Kieran: Cardinal Richelieu and Milady are having a meeting discussing the plans to over-throw the King of France.  
  
Lei: Now, Milady, you will take this letter to -  
  
Kalis: (whispering) psst, Lei, you are supposed to be getting a little fresh with her.  
  
Lei: But I don't want to listen to her justice speaches.  
  
Kalis: Do it! Amelia, you will stick to the script.  
  
Kieran: After trying to fight off the Cardinal's attempts, Milady brings out a small dagger and points it .. a-at ... Kalis you can't be serious. That's horrible.  
  
Kalis: Haven't you ever seen Disney's The Three Musketeers. This part had the best dialogue in the movie. So, I am .. uh .. borrowing it. Go on Lei.  
  
Lei: With the snap of my fingers, I'll have back out on the street.  
  
Amelia: And with the flick of my wrist, I can change your religion.  
  
Kieran: Luckily Milady didn't flick her wrist and she left to carry out her mission. Meanwhile, D'artagnan was outside listening to the entire conversation. He ran off to the tavern that the remaining Musketeers were supposed to be at.  
  
Amelia: (to the audience) Take this to the Duke, ha!, that's what they think. I'm going to take this directly to the King for that is the true way of justice! Then Zelgadis-san and Lina-san can get divorced and Zelgadis-san can marry me.  
  
Scene Four: The tavern  
  
Kieran: Athos, Porthos, and Aramis are celebrating/drowning their woes in some cheap spirits.  
  
Lina: Now this is my kind of scene. You're paying for this right Kalis?  
  
Kalis: I don't carry around that kind of money Lina. I'll pay for the drinks and that's it.  
  
Lina: Well, I know Zel doesn't have any money. He spends all of his on books looking for a cure. What about you Xellos? O buddy, o pal.  
  
Xellos: Um, Kali-chan, I don't think we can afford this scene.  
  
Kalis: You're probably right. We'll move on to the next scene. Just give a summary of what's supposed to happen Kieran.  
  
Kieran: Okay, well, let's see. While they were in the tavern, D'artagnan came in and told them all what he overheard the Cardinal and his envoy talking about. The four men (recieves glare from Lina .. along with a fireball) three men and the gorgeous woman dashed out the door to stop the envoy.  
  
Kalis: Come on Lina, we have to get to our next scene.  
  
Lina: Not until I get my hot wings. I already ordered them and I ain't leaving until I get them.  
  
Zelgadis: Well see ya later Lina. I'll go take care of Amelia all by myself. I doubt that she'll try anything, knowing that I'm already married. By the way, do you have any Chapstick?  
  
Lina: No way! I'm coming with you. (Lina picks up her husband and drags him out the door.)  
  
Scene Five: The road to the Duke  
  
Kieran: The small group is waiting on the road ready to ambush the envoy when she comes by. ... Any moment now, she'll come riding by. ...  
  
Kalis: Where is that little b****!! I give her a part and she chooses not to show up. I can't believe she did - Wait a minute, was I just censored up there?  
  
Xellos: You sure were Kali-chan. There could be impressionable young minds reading this.  
  
Zelgadis: I would sure hope not. With all the hidden messages she writes into eveything.  
  
Kalis: What hidden messages? You just have your mind in the gutter Zel- kun.  
  
Zelgadis: Your right. They're not hidden messages. You practically come right out and say it.  
  
Kalis: I have no idea what you are talking about.  
  
Lina: What about that present Xellos bought you in Scene Two?  
  
Kalis: Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that. Hey Kieran where were we again?  
  
Kieran: Still waiting for Little Miss Envoy to show up. .... .... ... You know, I don't think she's going to show up anytime soon, maybe we should leave.  
  
Lina: Yeah, it is getting kinda late.  
  
Kalis: Amelia is just, so, dead.  
  
The cast starts walking back to the town, intent on finishing the play even if Amelia decides not to show up and play her part. As they were walking along the road, they see a young girl on a white horse up ahead.  
  
Scene Six: The envoy is found  
  
Kalis: D*** you, you f***** b****! We were waiting forever for you. Where the h*** have you been! And would somebody please stop it with the censorship.  
  
Xellos: Remember the impressionable children.  
  
Amelia: I cannot play this evil role. I have decided to do the just thing and bring this letter to the King so he will know about the evil plot and be able to stop the whole thing. For the fires of justice burn within me, I cannot side with the wicked forces of evil.  
  
Kalis: Oh, shut the - Would you kindly quit talking, please? Lets role with what we've got already. I don't feel like going all the way back out there and making her play the role correctly. Uhm, .. lets see .. (scribbles furiously and hands the paper to Kieran)  
  
Kieran: Why did you hand me a piece of paper with a bunch of scribbles on it?  
  
Kalis: Oh, wrong one. Here ya go. (hands him other paper)  
  
Scene Seven: The palace  
  
Kieran: The three musketeers and the wannabe escort Milady back to the royal palace so that she may deliver the message of the King's assination attempt. Upon arriving they move directly towards the King and hand him the note.  
  
Zelas: (mumbling) ~ king ~ him ~ I'm a girl ~ (out loud) Oh why would the Cardinal wish to do this to me? I thought he cared about me.  
  
Kalis: (through clenched teeth) Stay in character Zelas.  
  
Gourry: We need to get you to a safe place your majesty.  
  
Kieran: Just then the Cardinal and his soldiers come dashing in and a large swordfight ensues. Complete with flashy movie-type poses, and lots of jumping.  
  
Zangulus: Aramis, I challange you!  
  
Gourry: Oh, hey, Zangulus. Long time no see.  
  
Zangulus: Shut up and fight.  
  
Kalis: Isn't Zangy-kun adorable when he wants to fight. I wonder how he knew we were here.  
  
Kieran: You know, he can always find Gourry when he wants to. All of the Cardinal's soldiers were defeated -  
  
Zangulus: NO!! I will not be defeated by him again!  
  
Kalis: Bomb Di Wind.  
  
Zangulus: (flies off shouting) I'll beat you Gourry!!  
  
Kieran: Now that all the Cardinal's men were defeated, the King had his musketeers arrest the Cardinal and he wasn't assassnated after all. And because of D'artagnan's bravery, he decides to grant his wish.  
  
Zelas: D'artagnan, name whatever you want, and I shall grant it to you.  
  
Xellos: I'm afraid what I want, you aren't able to grant to me my mistress.  
  
Xellos grabs onto Kalis and the two dissappear.  
  
Kieran: And they all lived happily ever after. The King did not die; the musketeers got to keep their jobs; and D'artagnan ran off with the writer. Meanwhile, I get to wrap everything up.  
  
******************************* Part 3: The End  
  
Kieran: What does Kalis usually do around here?  
  
Lina: She takes us all out to dinner.  
  
Kalis: (walking in) I think not. Maybe if I was rich beyond imagination, then I would be able to afford your dinner bill. (to Kieran) This is the part where we make them all go home. So have fun, I'm leaving this up to you.  
  
Kieran: Let's see, well .. now that the show is over, Lei Magnus is dead again.  
  
Zelas: (whining) Why? Couldn't he have stayed a little longer?  
  
Kalis: You know the rules. I'm not aloud to keep him alive for no reason.  
  
Kieran: The rest of you can just go home now.  
  
Amelia: Come on Zelgadis-san. Let's go home now.  
  
Lina: Hold it. Where do you think you are going with my husband Amelia?  
  
Amelia: I thought I would take him to the courthouse and get your marriage annuled. It wasn't right of Kalis to trick you guys into getting married.  
  
Zelgadis: Well she did and now we just have to live with it. I can't think of anything wrong about being married to Lina. We don't need to get a divorce.  
  
Lina: (sarcastic) I love you too, Zel.  
  
Zelgadis: I didn't mean it like that. I was only saying -  
  
Kalis: Okay lovebirds. Why don't you two go home. Amelia, they really do like eachother, so get it through you delusioned little head. Zel wouldn't marry you even if he were single. So now, get out!  
  
Kieran: You seem to have everything under control. I'm going to bed now.  
  
Kieran goes into his room and Kalis manages to get everyone else out of her apartment.  
  
Kalis: Wow, that was a long day, I'm tired.  
  
She walks into her room and gets ready for bed. When she lays down, she feels something warm and lumpy beneath her. Arms wrap around her and for all her struggling she is not able to pull away from them. Too tired to try any longer, she gives up and decides to go to sleep. 


	3. Beauty and the Beast

Slayers: Beauty and the Beast  
  
Part 1: Invade Kalis' apartment  
  
Kalis awoke to the noise of a party. Damn, the people up stairs are probably holding another party. Then she noticed that the noise was coming from her own apartment. She walked out of her room, black skirt flowing behind her, to find that her apartment was full of the Slayers cast. Kieran comes out of his room next door at about the same time.  
  
Kalis: What the hell are all of you doing here?! I know that I didn't call for anyone.  
  
Kieran: (still rubbing sleep out of his eyes) What's with all the noise Kalis. What is everyone doing here at this hour of night?  
  
Amelia: Oh good Kalis, you're awake. I am the one who brought everyone here. Since you seem to be so fond of doing plays, I thought that I would let you get involved in my production.  
  
Xellos: I'm sorry Kali-chan, I didn't know that you weren't the ones that sent out the summons. Ooh is that what you always sleep in?  
  
Kalis: You should know. Amelia, isn't breaking and entering against the law?  
  
Amelia: Well, .. I wanted it to be a surprise. The play that I picked out is Beauty and the Beast. A story about how the power of love conquers all. I even got the casting list done already.  
  
Beast - Zelgadis Greywords Belle - Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun Gaston - Val Agares Belle's Father - Philionel el de Seyruun Clocksworth - Kieran Sandeo Lumiere - Gourry Gabriev Mrs. Pots - Zelas Metallium Chip - Xellos Metallium The Witch - Kalis Deleira  
  
Kalis: Well, Amelia, might I make an incy bit of a sugestion. I think Xellos-sama would make a much better Lumiere than Gourry.  
  
Amelia: As you always say, Kalis. "All casting positions are final."  
  
Zelgadis: Has anyone seen Lina? I can't find her anywhere.  
  
Amelia: Well .. huh uh .. I didn't invite her. I didn't want her to be angry about not getting a part, so I .. uh .. didn't even tell her.  
  
Kalis: (to Xellos) She just didn't want Lina see her cozying up to her husband. (to Amelia) Well you gave yourself the title role, are you going to narrate and direct as well.  
  
All of the sudden, Lina comes blasting through the door. Literally.  
  
Kalis: Lina! How the hell am I supposed to explain that to my landlord? .. Hey, now that you are here, you can help Amelia out with her problem.  
  
Amelia: Lina-san! Would you narrate my story for me? Here's the script all written out, and all you have to do is read the script.  
  
Lina: No way. I know better than to hang around here when the whole group is here. I'm just going to grab my husband and then I'll leave.  
  
Amelia: But then Luna-san will be so dissapointed. She was looking foward to seeing this play.  
  
Lina: Nee - Nee - Neesan!!! Okay, OKAY! I'll do it! Give me the script and let's get this over with before she shows up.  
  
Luna: Did you say something Lina?  
  
Kalis: Get out, Luna.  
  
Zelas: That's probably a good idea Luna dear. I wouldn't want Lina-chan to have a heart attack.  
  
Luna: Kay. Bye.  
  
Amelia: Now that we have a narrator and the cast is all together we can start. (to self) I'll show you Kalis.  
  
************************************************************* Part 2: The Show  
  
Scene One: The castle  
  
Lina: It was a dark and stormy night. What a cliche. A weary traveler approaches the castle hoping for some shelter. After knocking on the door, the servant lead her to see the prince. She was greeted by a very handsome young man.  
  
Kalis: Whoa Zel. You look pretty good like that. I almost regret tricking you and Lina into getting married.  
  
Amelia: What are you doing? It doesn't say that in the script.  
  
Kalis: Now you know what I always go through.  
  
Kieran: Kalis, just do what she says. I want to go back home.  
  
Kalis: Please kind sir. May I be granted shelter in your castle for tonight.  
  
Zelgadis: No. I don't want anybody here.  
  
Kalis: But your lordship, it is cold and stormy outside and the next town is miles away.  
  
Zelgadis: You should have thought of that before. The sooner you leave, the sooner you'll get to town.  
  
Lina: The traveler was then lead to the door by the servant. Upon walking out into the storm, she placed a curse on the entire castle.  
  
Kalis: May your outside show the ugliness within. You will stay that way until you find true love, good luck ^_^.  
  
Scene Two: The town  
  
Lina: Ten years later, there is a small town just a couple of miles from the forgotten castle. In this town lived the most beautiful woman who ever lived. Yea right. She was strolling through town running errands for her father.  
  
Amelia: Oh, what a beautiful day. I just want to sing. 'Life is wonderful ...'  
  
Kalis: Hurry Val! She's singing that song again!  
  
Val: Good morning Belle. How would the most beautiful woman like to be on the arm of the strongest and most handsome man on this glorious day.  
  
Amelia: No thank you Gaston.  
  
Val: How dare you turn me down. Any woman would kill at the chance to recieve that kind of offer from me. So why don't you forget this little game of yours and be my bride.  
  
Amelia: I will not marry you Gaston. You may be handsome, but I don't love you. I could never go against my heart.  
  
Lina: With that Belle left the town hunk standing in the street and went home to her father.  
  
Amelia: Good day father, I got everything that you asked for. How was your mission to the castle? Is it still a stable building?  
  
Phil: Not good Belle. When we went to the castle, there was this horrible beast there and he locked your sister into the dungeon.  
  
Amelia: I must then go and rescue Donna. I will free her from the beast for justice burns in my heart.  
  
Phil: No, Belle, it's too dangerous. I don't want to loose you too.  
  
Amelia: I'm sorry father. I just have to go and save Donna.  
  
Lina: With her mind set up, Belle packed some things together and went to save Donna from the clutches of the beast. You know Amelia, I really hate referring to my husband as 'the beast' all the time.  
  
Amelia: I'm sorry Lina. I don't like calling Zelgadis-san that either. It's just how the story goes.  
  
Scene Three: The forest  
  
Lina: Belle was traveling through the forest heading towards the castle that her sister was being held at. It was already dark, but not because it was night, because the trees were so thick that they blocked out the light. She was becoming frightened and felt as though there were eyes all around her, watching her every move. Then a few feet up ahead a wolf stepped out. All around her the rest of the pack were closing in.  
  
Amelia: What's going on. I don't remember getting any wolves for the forest. Uhm can somebody help me.  
  
Kalis: (to Zelas) Thanks for the wolves. I just had to find a way to liven up Amelia's boring story.  
  
Zelas: No problem. You are aware that you owe me for this, right. And she better not hurt any of my pets.  
  
Kalis: Of course, believe me, this is worth it. And don't worry, I told Zel, they'll be okay.  
  
Lina: (continuing as though that conversation didn't take place) Suddenly a beast jumps out and starts fighting off the wolves. After the last of the wolves had run off, he started to leave.  
  
Amelia: Than- (fainted)  
  
Kalis: More like knocked out. Stupid girl, my bat broke when her head hit it.  
  
Zelgadis: Thanks alot, Kalis. Now I have to carry her the rest of the way back to the castle.  
  
Zelas: We could just leave her here for my pets to play with. (Kalis nodds in enthusiastic agreement)  
  
Lina: The devastatingly handsome beast, for some reason, picks up the girl and carries her back to his home. And Zel, you better not try anything like that in real life. Even if they are half dead, you leave them where they are.  
  
Kalis: Let's skip to the last scene before Amelia regains conciousness. This play is taking way too long, and I want to get back to bed.  
  
Scene Whatever: The transformation  
  
Lina: Since all the readers probably know how the story goes, I won't bother telling what has happened. Right now, the beast is near dead and Belle will proclaim her love to him so he ends up living. That is as soon as we wake her up.  
  
Kieran: I don't know Kalis. How hard did you hit her.  
  
Kalis: Not any harder than I would hit Xellos-sama.  
  
Kieran: You mean the 'Masochistic Mazoku'. You may have caused some permanent brain damage.  
  
Kalis: Not any worse than she already was. You've heard her justice speeches; there has got to have been something already messed up in that brain of hers. That gives me an idea. (very loudly) Oi Xellos, let's go rob some people just for the fun of it.  
  
Amelia: (quickly wakes up and finds the highest place in the room) How dare you even think of commiting that evil and unjust crime. I, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun, shall right your ...  
  
Val: Amelia! Hurry or you'll miss your big scene with Zelgadis.  
  
Amelia: Oh really, how long was I out?  
  
Lina: Well you missed most of the play. Now we're at the part where the beast is about to die, because of Gaston.  
  
Amelia: Oh! Please Beast-san, don't die. I don't want to loose you. Please! (whispering) I love you.  
  
Lina: Then Belle leans down to kiss ... no way! Amelia you stop frenching my husband right now! Darkness beyond twilight, Crimson beyond ...  
  
Zelgadis: Lina! Wait! Get off of me Amelia! Somebody stop her!  
  
Xellos: Don't worry Zel-kun. (strikes a superhero pose) I'll save you! Ready Kali-chan?  
  
Kalis: Ready.  
  
Xellos walks over to Lina and starts to talk to her. At the same time Kalis grabs her quarter-staff and smacks Amelia in the back of the head, again.  
  
Kalis: Don't worry Kieran, I didn't hit her as hard this time. (mutters) I would have killed her if her hard head broke this.  
  
With Amelia knocked out, again, she is pulled away and Lina is calmed down. Everyone heads back to 'Casa de Keiran y Kalis' for the cast party.  
  
********************************************************** Part 3: Part-ay  
  
Amelia: I can't believe I slept through the whole thing. Was it any good?  
  
Phil: Amelia, there's something I need to tell you about the play. Th- (Lina covers his mouth)  
  
Kieran: What he was going to say was, 'The play was great.' He's right, time just seemed to fly by.  
  
Phil: No, I was going to say-  
  
Zelgadis walks up behind Phil and smacks him in the back of his head. A hand made of stone comes in handy at times.  
  
Zelgadis: Come on Lina, let's go home.  
  
Kalis: Good idea. Why don't everybody go home. Oh, and Zel-kun, since you so conveniently knocked out dear Phil-san, how about you drag him down to a cab.  
  
Val: Ha, ha. You have to drag that big oaf out to the road.  
  
Kalis: Why don't you go and help, Val-kun. I'll call the cab for Amelia and Phil. Now everyone, get out.  
  
Kieran: (sarcastically) What hospitality.  
  
Zelas: So, Kieran, you think we should stay?  
  
Kieran: Of course not. She .. just .. didn't ... Get out.  
  
With that said, everyone left. Zelgadis and Val carried an unconiscious Phil out to the street to wait for a cab. Lina and Amelia followed after them. Gourry had gotten lost and never made it back to the apartment to begin with. Zelas and Xellos phazed out. Kieran breathes a sigh of relief.  
  
Kieran: Finally. We need to get new locks.  
  
Kalis: You're right. It's one thing for us to make them be in my plays; it's totally different for them to break in and drag us out of bed. I'll see you in the afternoon.  
  
Kieran: Make that evening. I don't think I'll get up before then. G'night.  
  
Kalis: Buenos noches.  
  
Kieran walks into his room and barely makes it to bed before falling asleep. Kalis decides to do the same and goes into her room. She climbs into bed and pulls the blanket over her, then she notices the big lump next to her.  
  
Kalis: Xellos! What are you doing here? I thought you went back to the island with Zelas.  
  
Xellos: Nope. I wanna stay right here with my Kali-chan.  
  
Kalis: I don't care. I'm too tired. Do what you want.  
  
She should know better than to tell that to Xellos. However, this story will end right here. There is no way this will turn into a lemon. Let's just say, neither of them got much sleep and leave it at that. Ja ne. 


	4. The Three Little Pigs

Part 1: Casting  
  
[Once again, everyone is crowded into Kalis' apartment. Hiding in her room, Kalis is contemplating the way to get their attention this time.]  
  
Kalis: Okay, I did the lights; I've used the megaphone; what to do this time?  
  
[After coming up with the perfect plan, Kalis opens her door and starts to walk out of the room. It is then that she notices she already has undivided attention. Apparently the group had learned their lesson. Dissapointed, Kalis begins to tell them what they were doing today.]  
  
Kalis: I know that you are all very excited to be here today.  
  
Minna: (sarcasm very evident) Yeah right!  
  
Lina: Forget this, I'm leaving.  
  
Kalis: No! I mean, you wouldn't want to leave before we do this. (checking her wallet) I'll buy you dinner?  
  
Lina: Right! Well I wouldn't want to abandon you when you so expertly came up with tonights script.  
  
Xellos: (to Kalis) Are you sure about this Kali-chan. How can you possibly afford Lina's dinner.  
  
Kalis: Oh don't worry. I've got everything under control. (to everybody) This one is going to have a small cast, so most of you will be able to go home. Or stay and watch. Tonights show will be The Three Little Pigs. You all know the drill.  
  
[She posts the list on the wall next to the door.]  
  
The Three Little Pigs  
  
1st Pig (Piglet) - Gourry Gabriev 2nd Pig (Piggy) - Lina Inverse 3rd Pig (Pig-meister) - Zelgadis Greywords Big Bad Wolf - Xellos Metallium  
  
Kieran: What's with the names Kalis?  
  
Kalis: You don't like them? I thought they were funny. Besides, I can't just call them First, Second, and Third. Now can I?  
  
Xellos: Looks like everybody who wasn't in it left. I'm starting to think that nobody likes your plays, Kali-chan.  
  
Kalis: No such luck. I see Amelia hiding behind the sofa over there.  
  
Amelia: I can't believe you left me out again. I'm starting to think you don't like me.  
  
Kalis: That's because .. I DON'T! Come on everyone, lets go. You are not invited Amelia.  
  
[The group starts to leave when Kalis looks back and sees Zelgadis still staring at the casting list.]  
  
Kalis: What's wrong Zel-kun? Can't find your name? It's right here, 3rd Pig.  
  
Zelgadis: Pig-meister? I refuse to do this.  
  
Lina: Come on Zel. I'm hungry and as soon as this is over, we can eat. You don't want me to stay hungry, do you?  
  
[Seeing the look on her face, Zelgadis agrees and leaves with the rest of them. Amelia looks after them with a contemplative look.]  
  
********************************************************************** Part 2: Let's Begin  
  
Scene One: The childhood  
  
Kieran: Once upon a time, there were three little pigs. They lived with their mother all alone in the middle of the forest. One day the mother went out to go buy some food for Piglet and Piggy and some Mountain Dew for Pig-meister.  
  
Zelgadis: Mountain Dew?  
  
Kalis: Well you're too young to drink coffee. This way, you can still get your caffine fix in the morning, .. noon .. evening .. night ..  
  
[As she continues to count Zelgadis' caffine cravings, Kieran continues with the story.]  
  
Kieran: About a week later, the three children figured that their mother wasn't coming back.  
  
Faceless extra - Mother: I'm free! I'm free!  
  
Kieran: Okay, well, the pigs never really got along together and so they decided to leave. Besides a hurricane was about to come and destroy their home. Kalis? A hurricane in the middle of the forest? What were you smoking when you wrote this?  
  
Kalis: It's my artistic liscense. Later on, I think that there are even pigs flying. Go on with the story.  
  
Kieran: Anyway. With the hurricane approaching, the pigs decided to move to another forest.  
  
Xellos: Kali-chan, you shouldn't smoke your artistic liscense. If it is gone then the Art Police will come to take you away.  
  
Scene Two: New forest  
  
Lina: We should build it out of wood. There is plenty of that around here, and it is easy to work with.  
  
Gourry: No we should build it out of ... straw. Yeah, that's it. Now that stuff is easy to work with.  
  
Zelgadis: You both are wrong. We need to build a strong, sturdy house. We should build it out of bricks.  
  
Lina: Bricks! Those are way too expensive, and heavy. We need wood.  
  
Gourry: Straw!  
  
Zelgadis: Bricks!  
  
Lina: Wood!  
  
Kieran: The three continued to argue for another two days.  
  
Zelgadis: How about we just build our own houses. Then we won't have to live together anymore.  
  
Lina + Gourry: Good idea!  
  
Kieran: Coming to a conclusion they all could live with, the three pigs when on thereir own ways.  
  
Scene Three: Wolf's entrance  
  
Kieran: Meanwhile the alpha-wolf in this part of the forest was watching everything with his purple slitted eyes.  
  
Xellos: Finally, I'm actually in this play. Hm, little pigs fighting, yummy. ^_^  
  
Kieran: The wolf goes off to stalk his first choice of prey.  
  
[Just then, Kalis walks in with her hair all mussed and her shirt on inside- out.]  
  
Kieran: Kalis, where were you? Usually, you don't miss your own plays.  
  
Kalis: I was uh .. busy. Did Xellos get back here on time?  
  
Kieran: Yeah, he was just here. (sly-like) So, if you weren't here, how did you know that Xellos was gone?  
  
Kalis: (blushing like .. uh .. something very red) Anyways, let's keep this moving people. (to Kieran) Where are we now?  
  
Kieran: We were just about to start scene four.  
  
Kalis: Okay, let's get to scene four. Is the straw house ready yet?! Action!  
  
Scene Four: House of Straw  
  
Kieran: Piglet decided he had the best idea and set out to build his house out of straw. Coincidentely (or luckily as Piglet saw it) there was a large pile of straw in this castle tower nearby. The girl in there didn't seem to be using it and he needed it for his house so, Piglet decided to help himself.  
  
Gourry: Wow, I sure was lucky to find all this straw. I'm sure the girl sleeping at the spinning wheel didn't mind.  
  
Kieran: Piglet gathers his straw together and manages to build a fairly nice hut out of it.  
  
Kalis: Fairly nice doesn't cover it. Gourry, that's a mansion. How did you build that out of a pile of straw?  
  
Gourry: Easy, I'm a cartoon.  
  
Kalis: O-kay. Go on Kieran.  
  
Kieran: One day while Piglet was enjoying his dinner there was a knock on the door.  
  
Gourry: Come in!  
  
Xellos: (peeks his head through the door) Uhm, Gourry? Aren't you going to make sure it's not someone dangerous?  
  
Gourry: Oh, I can take care of myself. What did you need Xellos?  
  
Xellos: (whining to Kalis) Does this mean that I don't get to blow down his house?  
  
Kalis: It is a nice house. Oh well, we can't really move on till you do. Go ahead and blow down the house Xellos-sama.  
  
Xellos: Yea! ^_^  
  
[Xellos walks back out of the house and begins to 'huff and puff' After the house is down Gourry still hasn't moved.]  
  
Kalis: Gourry, you are supposed to run away so the wolf doesn't eat you. Now run to Lina's house.  
  
Kieran: After listening to the director, Piglet finally gets up and runs to his sisters house. The wolf's meal denied, he follows the young pig to the house of wood.  
  
Scene Five: House of Wood  
  
Kieran: Piggy had decided that the cheapest way to build her house would be to use wood. She gathered and chopped wood and soon built herself a crude but decent home.  
  
Lina: Hah! This house is perfect, and I didn't have to spend a cent.  
  
Kieran: A few days later, Piggy's older brother Piglet came running to her door.  
  
...  
  
Kalis: Where is Gourry! He should have been here by now.  
  
Amelia: I saw him on his way to Lina's house.  
  
Kalis: Damn, I did tell him to run to Lina's house. I guess I shouldn't have assumed he would know what I meant. ... Wait a minute. What are you doing here?! I really need to get better security.  
  
Kieran: Kalis, we need to have a Piglet. She can take over Gourry's part.  
  
Kalis: No! We'll just pretend that the wolf got him after blowing down his house. That's how the story is supposed to go anyway. The wolf really does eat the first two pigs, it was just cleaned up by worrisome mothers who don't want to tramautize their kids by letting them know there is such a thing as death in the world. We are going on, and we will have to ignore that annoying princess.  
  
Kieran: Okay, well, (improvising) Piglet had never made it to his sister's house. The wolf had managed to catch him on the way there. Therefore, Piggy did not have any warning of the wolf in the forest.  
  
Lina: Ahh!! Slugs! Salt, salt, where's the salt! FIREBALL!! FIREBALL!! DRAGON SLAVE!!!!  
  
Kalis: Lina, wasn't that a little overdoing it.  
  
Kieran: Having blown up her house, Piggy decides to go to her brother's house.  
  
Kalis: Okay, let's go.  
  
Five Minutes Later  
  
Xellos: Where is everybody? The script says that I'm supposed to blow the house down. It looks like somebody had already blown the house up. Well, I'll just wait here.  
  
Scene Six: House of brick  
  
Lina: Come on Pig-meister, let me in. Please.  
  
Zelgadis: No. You'll probably end up blowing up my house too.  
  
Lina: Only if there are slugs in there. Well I guess somebody is going to be sleeping on the couch tonight.  
  
Kieran: Pig-meister quickly opened his door and allowed Piggy to come in.  
  
Zelgadis: Where's Piglet?  
  
Lina: For all I know, he got eaten by some wolf.  
  
Kieran: As though on cue, a wolf approached the House of Brick. .. Hey Kalis, where's Xellos?  
  
Kalis: I don't know, I'll go look for him.  
  
[Kalis starts backtracking through the forest looking for her long lost wolf. When she arrived at the clearing that once held the House of Wood, she saw her love sitting alone on the ground, staring off in the other direction. Seeing a chance to surprise him, she starts sneaking up behind him. Suddenly Xellos dissappears, and reappears behind Kalis. He wraps his arms around her before she could react.]  
  
Xellos: Kali-chan, why did everyone leave without me? Were you guys trying to abandon me?  
  
Kalis: Of course not Xellos-sama. We just kinda forgot about you.  
  
Xellos: Aww, Kali-chan mmwf.  
  
[Xellos' whining was quickly cut off with a kiss from his Kali-chan.]  
  
Kalis: Come on, we should get back to the rest of the group .. Xellos, aren't you coming?  
  
[Grabbing Kalis' arm, Xellos pulls her back into the clearing and proceeds to kiss her without any intention of getting back anytime soon. Meanwhile, back at the House of Brick.]  
  
Lina: Kieran, you are aware that we just sent Kalis off to find Xellos, right.  
  
Kieran: Yeah, so?  
  
Zelgadis: Meaning Kalis and Xellos are together ... and alone.  
  
Minna: Shit.  
  
half hour later  
  
[Xellos and Kalis finally returned to the House of Brick and the group got on with the rest of the scene.]  
  
Xellos: (really into it) Little pig, little pig, let me in.  
  
Zelgadis: (not into it) Not by the hair on my chinny, chin, chin.  
  
Kalis: No, no Zel-kun. That just won't do at all. Do it again and put some feeling into it.  
  
Zelgadis: (over the top) Not by the hair on my chinny, chin, chin.  
  
Kalis: No that was too much. Try to mean it, but still we want keep it real. I mean, I want it to sound natural. Or maybe ..  
  
Lina: I don't want to stay here all night Kalis. Forget about the line and let's get this over with.  
  
Kalis: (Dissapointed) Fine. Xellos.  
  
Xellos: Okay, then I will huff, and I will puff, and blow your house down.  
  
Kieran: The wolf huffed and puffed, but he could not blow down the House of Brick. So then, ..  
  
Xellos: .. I pulled out my staff and blew the house up.  
  
Kieran: The two pigs cast Ray Wings and managed to get out of the house before it blew up.  
  
Kalis: See, I told you that the pigs were going to fly.  
  
Kieran: Piggy and Pig-meister found out that they were both adopted and not related so they decided they love eachother. The big bad wolf found out he enjoyed annoying the pigs better than eating them. So the three lived happily ever after. The end.  
  
********************************************************************** Part 3: The End  
  
Amelia: What kind of ending was that?  
  
Kalis: A quick one. Why are you still here?  
  
Amelia: As a servant of justice, I must make sure that all the children that read this story know what the moral is. So, the moral of The Three Little Pigs is ...  
  
Xellos: That noone is safe from the Big Bad Wolf! Ha ha ha!!  
  
Amelia: No, that's not it. The moral is -  
  
Kalis: (drowning out Amelia) That's right Xellos. All you kiddies out their need to remember: No matter how much time, work, and money you put into something; you will never be safe from the Big Bad Wolf. Let's all go home now.  
  
Lina: Ahem.  
  
Kieran: Kalis, you didn't forget about Lina's dinner have you?  
  
Kalis: I think Sizzler's is still open, I'll get Lina the all you can eat Salad Bar.  
  
Zelgadis: Lina has already been banned from Sizzler's.  
  
Kalis: Golden Corral?  
  
Xellos: There too.  
  
Kalis: Ryan's?  
  
Lina: Nope, not yet. Let's go. I'm hungry!!  
  
[The small group climb into The Broken Bedtime Stories Bus, that Kalis had gotten for all her plays, and drove down to Ryan's. Upon arriving, one of the waiters who used to work at Golden Corral recognized Lina and ran screaming from the establishment.  
  
Lina ate till her hearts content (well actually until the place ran out of food), and they all went home for some well deserved sleep.]  
  
Kalis: For once I ended this without insinuating anything between me and Xellos.  
  
Kieran: That's because you took care of that throughout the entire play.  
  
Kalis: Well, .. shut up.  
  
Xellos: Yeah, leave Kali-chan alone.  
  
[Xellos grabbed ahold of Kalis and phazed the two of them to some unknown destination. Kalis was wrong, she can't end a play without insinuating things between her and Xellos.] 


	5. Goldylocks and the Three Bears

Part 1: Casting  
  
At Casa de Greywords, Lina comes in from checking the mail.  
  
Lina: Junk, junk, bill, junk, Hey Zel! Here's another note from Kalis. She wants us to do another play.  
  
Zelgadis: I'm not going. Last time she named me Pig-meister.  
  
Lina: You are coming with me .. Pig-meister. I like that. Anyway, there is no way I'm stepping foot in that apartment without you.  
  
That evening back at the apartment, people slowly started to gather.  
  
Kalis: Looks like we are about ready to start.  
  
Kieran: Only six people have shown up.  
  
Kalis: I know, I only invited the ones actually in the play. Are all of you ready?! Here's the list.  
  
Goldylocks and the Three Bears  
  
Goldylocks - Lina Inverse Papa Bear - Xellos Metallium Mama Bear - Zelas Metallium Baby Bear - Phibrizo Prosecuting attorney - Filia Ul Copt Defense attorney - Zelgadis Greywords Judge - Special Guest  
  
Filia: Who's the special guest?  
  
Kalis: Sore wa himitsu desu.  
  
Xellos: You learn well Kali-chan.  
  
Kalis: Thank you.  
  
Filia: Namagomi!!!!  
  
Phibrizo: But, who's the special guest.  
  
Zelas: I don't think she's going to tell us. She can be very stubborn.  
  
Kalis: I'm hurt Zelas. I can't believe you would say something like that about me.  
  
Zelas: It's true.  
  
Kalis: I know. Anyways shall we all get started ..  
  
Phibrizo: No! I'm not playing the baby. I'm older than all of you.  
  
Kalis: Aww, Phibby-kun. You're so cute when you throw your little tantrums. Well everyone to the bus. Let us go!  
  
A few minutes later on the Broken Bedtime Stories Bus.  
  
Zelgadis: I've been meaning to ask you, since when is there a courtroom scene in Goldylocks?  
  
Kalis: Since I put one in. Now, no talking to the driver. You wouldn't want me crash into a carload of children, now would you?  
  
********************************************************************** Part 2: Let's Begin  
  
Scene One: The Cottage  
  
Kieran: It is a beautiful autumn day in the Fairyland Woods. In a little cottage in a small glen, there lived three bears. A mama bear, a papa bear, and a little baby bear. It was Baby Bear's birthday so Mama Bear made a cake. After setting the pieces out on the table the Bear family decided to go for a walk in the woods to admire the beautiful foliage.  
  
Zelgadis: That's not how the story goes.  
  
Kalis: It is when I write it. Have you ever had porraige? Yuck.  
  
Phibrizo: I don't want to go for a walk in the woods. I don't want to be the baby!  
  
Zelas: There, there, Baby-chan. You are going to have fun.  
  
Kalis: Come on Kieran, "While the three bears were gone..."  
  
Kieran: While the three bears were gone, a young red-head by the name of Goldylocks - that doesn't make any sense - came skipping through the Fairyland Woods toward the bear's glen. Upon reaching the house, she decided to see if anyone was home.  
  
Lina: Hey, anybody in there!  
  
Kieran: When nobody answered the door, Goldy used Unlock to open the door and let herself in. After entering, she notices the table with the cake placed on it.  
  
Lina: Hm, the door is open. Might as well go in. Ooh, cake! I'm sure nobody would mind if I helped myself to a piece.  
  
Kieran: Goldylocks inhaled the entire cake in speeds exceeding mach3. What happened to the whole 'too hot, too cold' thing?  
  
Kalis: That wouldn't make much sense, the pieces all came off the same cake. Besides, do you really think that Lina would've noticed. I don't see how she would even be able to taste the food when she eats that fast.  
  
Lina: Hey, I tasted everything just fine. Anybody have some milk that cake was a little dry.  
  
Kalis: Don't blame me, Xellos is the one who made the cake. He wouldn't even let me in the kitchen while he was baking.  
  
Lina: You mean, I just ate something that Xellos cooked. I think I'm going to be sick.  
  
Kieran: Goldylocks runs to throw up the cake she ate, and was feeling very weak afterwards. As she was walking across the room, she stumbled and broke a small wooden chair. She finally made it to a little bedroom decorated with Teletubbies posters on the wall and Barney sheets on the bed. (shudders) She half crawls to the bed and lays down and immediately falls asleep.  
  
Kalis: Phibby-kun must be evil to have a room decorated like that. Scary.  
  
Scene Two: The Bears Return  
  
Phibrizo: I am not a BABY!  
  
Zelas: Hush now Baby-chan, or no cake for you.  
  
Kalis: You're really enjoying this aren't you?  
  
Zelas: Of course. (to Phibrizo) Now lets all go have some cake before it gets too cold.  
  
Phibrizo: (mutters) Who would want to eat something that Fruitcake made. Even I'm not that insane.  
  
Kieran: The bears return to their house and notice that the door was unlocked. As they walked in, Baby was the first to notice that the cake was gone.  
  
Phibrizo: Yay, the cake is gone! Now I don't have to eat any of that toxic waste.  
  
Xellos: Don't worry Baby-chan, I made an extra just in case.  
  
Kieran: Baby Bear ran screaming from the room and he didn't even notice that his chair was broken as he dashes into his bedroom. After locking his door several times over, he turns around and finds the redheaded Goldylocks sleeping on his bed.  
  
Phibrizo: Now is the perfect time to get my revenge on Lina for killing me.  
  
Kalis: Oh, no you don't Phibby-kun. (to Lina) Time to wake up Lina. Lina? (to Xellos) Did your cake kill her?  
  
Lina: I'm up, I'm up. (looks around) Oh, God, I'm in hell.  
  
Xellos: Close, this is Baby-chan's bedroom.  
  
Kieran: Seeing all the pure evil on the walls for the first time, Goldylocks runs screaming from the house.  
  
Scene Three: Goldylocks' House  
  
Kieran: A few days later, Goldylocks is checking the mail.  
  
Lina: Junk, junk, bill, junk, what's this?  
  
Kieran: She opens the last piece of mail that reads: "You, Goldylocks, are hereby summoned to appear in court on the day of May 12, 2002 at the time of 4:15 pm, by the request of the Bear family."  
  
Scene Four: The Courtroom  
  
Zelgadis: You do know that the story was supposed to end after Goldylocks ran from the Bear's house, don't you?  
  
Kalis: Not until I get my big courtroom scene. I have my special guest lined up and everything. Besides, this isn't nearly long enough yet.  
  
Filia: But who is the special guest?  
  
Kalis: Sore wa himitsu desu.  
  
Filia: I should have known. You are just as bad as that namagomi.  
  
Kieran: Can we get this over with?  
  
Kalis: NO! ... Oh, okay, let us go.  
  
Scene Five: The Real Courtroom Scene  
  
Kieran: It is now May 12, 2002 and Goldylocks got ready for her trial. People slowly start to gather into the courtroom as the time nears 4:15. She sits down at her table with her lawyer next to her and looks across the room to see Baby Bear all bandaged from head to toe.  
  
Amelia: All rise for the honorable judge.  
  
Kalis: How do you keep finding us?! What are you doing here this time?  
  
Amelia: I noticed that you didn't cast a bailiff and you need one if you want to have a courtroom scene. I, being a champion of justice, decided that I will help you to create a perfect replica of this country's wonderful justice system.  
  
Kalis: Okay, you had your line. Now you can leave.  
  
Amelia: No, there is more stuff for the bailiff to do.  
  
Amelia is picked up by Kalis' new security team and carried out of the room.  
  
Kalis: I finally got a decent security team. But, I need to remember to dock their pay for letting her in in the first place.  
  
A young blond girl in a judge's robe walks into the room and sits in her big chair. After seeing her, everybody gasps and the room grows quiet.  
  
Kalis: What's wrong with everybody? You all have lines you know.  
  
Kieran: You didn't tell me that you got her as your special guest.  
  
Xellos: Yeah, Kali-chan, how did you manage this one?  
  
Kalis: What are you guys talking about? All I did was ask her and she agreed to come as my special guest. The only condition she had was that I didn't tell anybody who she was before she came out. I think she wanted to surprise everybody.  
  
Phibrizo: But th-that's m-m-Mother!  
  
LoN: I know that those bandages aren't real. You weren't planning on lying in court, were you?  
  
Phribrizo: N-n-no. Of course not. I was just, uh, going to, uh, protect my skin from the harsh sun. That's all.  
  
LoN: Sure.  
  
Kalis: Well Mr. Narrator. Do you want to keep your job?  
  
Kieran: You don't pay me. You know I'm only here to keep you under control.  
  
Xellos: Kali-chan's got me to do that. I'll keep her under control.  
  
Lina: Yeah right Xellos. Kalis has got you whipped.  
  
Kalis: Uh uh. I do not. I'll do anything for my Xellos-sama.  
  
Zelgadis: Can we please get back to the story so we can finish this?  
  
Kalis: Okay, okay. Where were we again?  
  
Minna: The Courtroom!!!  
  
Kalis: Oh~h. Lets try this one again.  
  
Scene Six: The real, real Courtroom Scene, honto!  
  
Kieran: After the judge had taken her seat, the trial could begin. The prosecuting attorney stood to give her opening statement.  
  
Filia: On the day of May 2, 2002, the Bear family had taken a walk in the woods to admire the scenery. While they were on their outing, that girl there (points to Lina) broke into their house. Upon entering she ate the little baby's birthday cake, broke his favorite chair, and violated his bedroom. When the family came home, they were expecting to have a small family party for their son's birthday, but what they found was, crumbs where the cake should have been, and the perpetrater still within their home. Fearing for their child's safety, they were only relieved when the girl ran from their house. Today I would like the court to put an end to this girl's crime spree and have her compensate for this family's property and emotional damage.  
  
Kalis: Wow, she's actually cooperating.  
  
Kieran: Why do you say that?  
  
Kalis: Here she is pleading the case for a few mazoku. I could have sworn she would be chasing Xellos with her mace by now.  
  
Xellos: (dissapointed) I know. I think she just wants to get this over with so she can go home to that dumb egg of hers.  
  
Filia: "Dumb egg." How dare you call Val-chan a "dumb egg," you - you NAMAGOMI!!!  
  
Kalis: There she goes. I guess it was only a matter of time. However, I want to finish this before next week so, FILIA! get back here and sit down. Xellos, sit. You will all behave and we will now finish this play without any further interruptions. Do you understand? (everyone nodds) Good. Kieran?  
  
Kieran: After the attorney was finished beating her client into a bloody pulp, the defense gave their statement.  
  
Zelgadis: (after a long pause) I really can't think of anything. She really did do all that stuff. However, I'm sure there wasn't any emotional damage, I know those people. It would take a lot more than that to cause psychological problems.  
  
Lina: (muttering) Other than the ones they already have. (out loud) Damn you Zel, you're supposed to be defending me. You do realize that this looks bad for my case; my own husband believes I'm guilty.  
  
LoN: Well, do to the defense not having any case, I find the defendent guilty of breaking and entering. Goldylocks will have to replace the chair and the cake. Since I also know the Bear family, I rule that Goldylocks did not cause any psychological damage and does not owe anything to compensate said damage. Court dismissed.  
  
Kalis: Yay! I finally finished the courtroom scene!  
  
Kieran: Only after three tries. The judge made her ruling and everybody went home. Goldylocks replaced the chair and made a cake for the Bear family. However, she felt that since the original was so bad, she would replace it with another cake just as bad. The Bear family took her to court once again on account of poisoning and they won.  
  
********************************************************************** Part 3: The End  
  
Phibrizo: (singing) It's over, it's over, it's finally over.  
  
Zelas: Awe, did Baby-chan not like this little play?  
  
Phibrizo: I am not a baby! I'm older than you are, damn it!  
  
Xellos: Children should not use such language.  
  
Phibrizo: Aaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! (runs away screaming)  
  
Kalis: Think we overdid the baby thing.  
  
Zelas: Naw. He's just cranky; he hasn't had his nap yet.  
  
Yet more screaming could be heard from the distance.  
  
LoN: I'll go take care of widdle Phibby-chan.  
  
Kalis: See ya, thanks for coming.  
  
LoN: It was no problem. This was actually kinda fun. Let me know when you do another one.  
  
Kalis: Sure thing.  
  
L-sama leaves. After getting a few more beatings in on Xellos, Filia leaves as well.  
  
Lina: Wow, Kalis, I'm amazed.  
  
Kalis: About what?  
  
Zelgadis: You went through the entire thing without mentioning anything between you and Xellos.  
  
Xellos: He's right. I'm a little freaked out about this one.  
  
Kalis: Yeah, I know. Things just don't feel right now that they mentioned it.  
  
Kieran: Almost as though things aren't quite complete.  
  
Kalis: Well, .. there's always next time.  
  
Minna: Next time!  
  
Kalis: Of course. You didn't think this was going to be the last one, did you? I have fun with these stories.  
  
Lina: These are just excuses not to work on your real stories.  
  
Kieran: I know. When are you going to finish Untitled?  
  
Kalis: Why do you care? I don't think there is very much about you in the rest of it. But since all of you are so concerned with me finishing my other stories. Maybe you should all go home.  
  
Lina and Zelgadis go back to their house. Lina made Zelgadis sit in the back seat on the way home; she's still a little angry with the way he defended her in the play. Zelas and Xellos phaze out and Kieran goes to his room. Kalis is finally left alone.  
  
Kalis: It really is wierd about not having all that stuff with me and Xellos throughout the play. This ending just doesn't feel right.  
  
Fade to black.  
  
Kalis: Hey, now I can't see damn it. 


End file.
